No Life Rehearsals

Live, Love, Laugh–Your Life Depends on It

What are You Trying to Do Miley? Break Bad?

miley-cyrus-dolce-gabbana[Warning:  Celebrity train wreck rant ahead]  The unthinkable has happened.  I never conceived of a world where a pseudo-celebrity could annoy me more than KK (btw:  her name will never grace my blog) but I was wrong.  Maybe my annoyance meter is running  a little empty because for some inexplicable reason she has voluntarily taken herself out of the spotlight since having her baby–to negotiate the best magazine deal on the photo spread that’s soon to come.  Also, the craziness that is Amanda Bynes is now safely locked up somewhere getting the help that she needs.   To add insult to injury, Linday Lohan is looking “normal” after her stint in rehab.


So, I started to wonder is ANYONE going to step up and break bad?

The answer came loud and clear on Sunday night at the VMAs.  That honor now goes to Miley Cyrus, her raunchy and downright awkward attempt at being a sexpot, and her ubiquitous tongue.   What was she thinking?  Did she miley-cyrus-2013-vma-teddy-bear-tongue-624x349think she was hot?  Sexy?  Did anyone thinking that humping a teddy bear (and a creepy one at that) on national television may just not be a good idea.  Why didn’t those brain trusts at the VMAs not watch the rehearsals and put a stop to this?

There’s enough blame to go around so let the “love” start with the former Disney darling Miley.  Now I’m not advocating violence but somebody needs to hit Miley Cyrus upside the head and talk some sense into her.  First and foremost, the conversation should start with something like this, “put yo tongue back in your mouth where it belongs girl.  No one wants to look at the crazy things you do with that tongue of yours. That tongue belongs in some circus act not on national television.”  Who you trying to be Miley?  Gene Simmons? gene simmons

So, if she just puts her tongue back in her mouth, will that solve her problems?  No.  The next part of the conversation needs to continue with “Gwen Stefani’s hair from 1998 called and she wants it gwenback.”   Girl, you need to get an original look.  You can’t be playing no copycat to a style maven like Gwen (though admittedly not her best look).  Did you think because it was 15 years ago we’d somehow forget?

So, that brings me to the awkwardly executed raunchy moves with a foam finger and her scrawny-ass boy body.  Could someone get her Dita Von Teese’s number?  Maybe she’ll do house calls since this is clearly an emergency.  “Miley, you need curves and some moves that don’t involve twerking.”   Didn’t you get the memo?  The twerk is done.  Six feet under, pushing up daisies, out to pasture and IT WAS ALL YOUR FAULT!  You twerked it to death.  R.I.P.


Stop the Presses – The Digital Press, That Is

books 1I’m in mourning.  If this were the late 1800s, I would be wearing all black, carrying a piece of the deceased’s hair in a locket around my neck or, in my case, a page torn from a book.  Yes, printed material is dead, or perhaps gasping for it’s last breath if you want to be more precise and a bit morbid.

I wish I could say the demise was slow and lingering, worthy of its place in history.  Instead, it was a quick, peel the band-aid off fast before it hurts, kind of death.  The fact that it’s near death is universally acknowledged.  Recently, PC World magazine  announced that they’re discontinuing the print edition and going all digital by the end of the summer.  No, this alone is not shocking or even a harbinger of the beginning of the end of the printed word.  The shocking part is that the commentary consisted solely of how long the magazine took to make the switch; implying that printed magazines are somehow archaic and passé.  Newsweek PC magazine, U.S News and World Report did it years ago.

If we can’t, as civilized society, read our People magazine in the toilet what can we do?  I guess I need to acknowledge that the writing is on the wall–the Facebook wall (or the bathroom wall, same difference).  We, as a society, are reading finger snapdifferently and the change wasn’t even generational.  Whole generations converted like that. I don’t know if we have to change the name of our book club to a Kindle club.  Nah, not on my watch.

There is a generation that will soon be coming to age that knows nothing different.  We have the Baby Boomers, Generations X and Y and now the Digital Generation.  We’re changing the way we interact with the world.  What will be changed next?  If you mess with my morning coffee, I may have to kill you.  I feel like I’m the last of the Mohicans or should I say the Bookhicians (the dwindling tribe of people who primarily read printed material).

The question is how could something that has been around for centuries go obsolete so fast????  In the blink of an eye really.  We have simply become too clever for our own good and something wondrous and special got harmed in the process.  Why are some things gone before their time, like Nirvana or the sci fi show Firefly, and others linger on, like the diet soft drink Tab (yes, it’s still around and refuses to die).

Maybe I should start a petition.  Since it’s online, people will probably read it but will anyone know what I’m talking about or even care?  What about Kickstarter?  That’s all the rage these days.  But what would I raise money for? A printing press?

Maybe I could appeal to the World Wildlife Fund (WWF) and the International Union for the Conservation of Nature and Natural Resources (IUCN) and petition them to put the printed book on their endangered species list.  No, wait a minute, they might actually want this.  All those trees dying for paper, messing up some species natural habitat and such.  I can’t call them.  Is there anyone out there?  If a tree falls in the forest and no one makes it into a book, does anyone care?



A Great (FREE) App for Parents – Capture All of Your Kid’s Best Quotes with Day One

day one

As many of you know, this week some of the top rated Apple apps are being offered free in honor of  the app store’s five year anniversary (has it really been only five years since our lives changed forever?????).   So I grabbed a couple to try out.  I think they will only be free for one week so ACT NOW.   I thought I would take this opportunity to Rave about something instead of my usual Rants.  One of the apps in particular intrigued me Day One – a journaling app.  I have not had enough time to fully appreciate it’s uses but one use came to me immediately because I’m trying to create a Kid’s Quote Book in Shutterfly (all the best quotes from my kids complete with cartoon talking balloons).  Ambitious yes, but it’s a project I’ve wanted to do for awhile and I’m determined to get it done.  Kind of like that carpet cleaning from my last post.

So what can Day One do for you???  If you are anything like me, and I suspect you are, your iPhone is full of pictures and movies of your kids.  But what about all those funny things your kids say?  The ones that you and your husband laugh over for days, or even months and then are forgotten.  Do you ever find yourself later saying things like “what was it that she used to call spaghetti?  It was so funny.”  Then, for the life of you, neither of you can remember.  Those cute kids phrases are like dreams, your brain simply doesn’t have room for them and they somehow get deleted.

Obviously, there are many ways to document these gems–scraps of paper that get put in a box, notebooks, your calendar, etc.  But I think I’ve found a good way, one that I wish existed six years ago when I started this project.  Enter the iPhone–the device that never leaves my side.  If you want to preserve these funny quotes, I think you should seriously consider a journaling app.  Now I’m sure there are a lot of great journaling apps out there and frankly, I don’t care which one you use. I only started using the Day One app (mostly because Apple was offering for free this week) and loved it!  It’s simple and straightforward.  You make a new post by pushing the plus (+) sign and then you “tag” it by pushing the shopping tag icon( ).

Give your post a tag name (I called mine “kids quotes”) and then you all of your kid’s quotes posts will be under one tag.  It’s that easy.  Obviously there thousands of uses for this app and it seems like people LOVE it and use it for many different things.  It’s time to download first, ask questions later.  ACT NOW!  RISK FREE!  MONEY BACK GUARANTEED!


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Top Songs of the Summer 2013…I Love Em and Hate Em

Song-Of-The-Summer-2011-300-01What will be the top song of the summer 2013?    Which of those catchy tunes that we listen to all summer long on the radio will make it to the top spot?  I don’t know but, I do know that songs of summer become imbedded in our brain like no other.  Hearing a summer song can instantly take us back to another time and place.  I know songs by Peter Gabriel or U2 (and don’t even get me started on R.E.M) make me feel nostalgic–thinking about summers gone by.  If you want to tap into your own summer memories, check out Billboard magazine list of the top songs of summer from 1985 to 2012 (the songs most popular between Memorial Day and Labor Day).

Here’s my problem with summer songs now that I’m a parent.  Like many things in our society, I have a love/hate relationship with music.  As much as I personally love these summer songs, I now cringe when I hear them.  I silently cross my fingers and hope that my kids aren’t comprehending the words.  Things weren’t always this way.   We could go back to a  time of innocence, a simpler time, a time when musicians sang about the “Lazy, Hazy, Crazy Days of Summer” like Nat King Cole did back in good ole 1963.  Nothing offensive about that.  But, those days are gone.

Fast forward fifty years and summer songs are sexed up like “California Gurls” or more disturbingly misogynist like “Blurred Lines.”   Equally offensive are songs by Ke$ha like “Die Young” and “Take it Off.”  Now, I’m not going to go all Tipper Gore on you (remember that!) and advocate censoring music, I’m just bemoaning the loss of more innocent music that didn’t contain these disturbing messages.

It seems like none of the songs of today are suitable for my young children to listen to.   The Kidz Bop songs and CDs (substituting “kid friendly” lyrics) are a great compromise but my kids still hear the “real” songs on the radio sometimes or at the mall or restaurants where music is pumped in.  My seven year old picks up the differences in the lyrics and will say that the Kidz Bop song, “doesn’t have the right words.”

This summer, the popular songs will still get imprinted on my brain and years from now I will remember this summer when I hear a particular song.  Do I wish I could enjoy these catchy tunes with my kids–absolutely.  Do I wish they didn’t contain references to violence, sex and drugs–you bet.  Summer songs–I love em and I hate em.

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When I Rule the World, it’s about Style, Baby



[Humorous post alert:  The views and opinions expressed herein are those of my imaginary alter ego and do not necessarily reflect the views of this blogger who strives on a daily basis not to offend more than 20% of the world’s population]

We’re all familiar with dress codes even if it’s one in the elementary school handbook or at the 7-Eleven making you wear a shirt and shoes (as if!).    So, I’m in Vegas last weekend ready to go hang by the pool at the MGM Grand.  As I’m scanning my room card at the pool entrance, I see a sign:

Upscale, Stylish Swimwear Required



I looked down at my swimsuit.   Was it upscale?  Stylish????  It better be.  It cost more than two smallish pieces of Lycra have a right to cost.  I peer around the pillar to see if the Style Police are lurking nearby.  Seeing no one who looks to be checking me out (damn!), I let out a sigh of relief and proceeded through the turnstile.  Don’t even get me started if I got kicked out of a pool for not being stylish enough.  The therapy bills would be huge!evil villian

So this got me thinking….and when I get thinking watch out.  If the Style Police were out there keeping our swimming pools safe from the outdated and frumpy, what other rules could “we” impose (insert maniacal laughter-muwhahaha).

I guess there would be a few little rules that would make any establishment better, tiny requirements really, shouldn’t be a problem:

teeth white

I’m sure you can all see the wisdom in this.  Who doesn’t want to look at glaringly white teeth all the time?  It’s a no brainer.  Plus, you could always get veneers if Zoom doesn’t work.

six packPretty self explanatory right?  It’s about dedication people.  You just need to apply yourself.   Maybe this is just the impetus you need to get to the gym.

twerkingThis one’s for your own good really.  Have you seen what can happen to novice’s who try to twerk?  It makes it on YouTube, that’s right.  Plus, no one wants to watch amateurs try to move their butt like that.  It’s just embarrassing.

If you’re not prepared to wear stilettos then we just don’t want you.  Yheelsou know you look better in heels anyway.  Now it’s a rule so you have to do it.  Leave the yoga pants and ballet flats at home.

tramp stamp2This is soooo nineties ladies.  Time to get with the new millennium.  On the subject of tattoos, no calf tattoos on men, neck tats on women, bird tattoos (that’s a personal one), and the always repulsive sleeve tattoos (sorry Adam Levine you’re OUT).


Could Someone Buy Amanda Bynes a Thesaurus…Please!

amanda before2

Welcome to the new section of my blog called Rants and Raves.  This is where I get to rant (or rave) about anything–no matter how FRIVOLOUS.  Like today’s rant.  At the risk of having her start a Twitter feud with me, I’m going to weigh in on the Amanda Bynes saga a.k.a  meltdown of the century.  What is up with this girl???  She seems to be the last person on earth that does not believe that she needs help.    Which, of course, begs the question of whether you can force someone to get help.  We’ll save that one for another post.

amanda bynes2

She’s brought celebrity train wreck to a whole new level.  She’s picked a fight with just about everyone on Twitter and uses her extremely limited vocabulary while doing it.  In the last few weeks since her arrest, she’s called Lance Bass “an ugly ex boy bander” and Chrissy Teigan and “ugly model compared to me” and the last, but certainly not the least, tacky thing that has come from her mouth (via Twitter) is calling her dad “as ugly as RuPaul.”

It seems that no one escapes the vocab challenged wrath of Amanda.  And, her limited vocab knows no bounds because for some reason Rihanna did not warrant the coveted “u” word in AmandaSpeak and instead simply deemed “not pretty.”  Not sure if being “not pretty” as opposed to “ugly” is more of an insult in AmandaSpeak or not?  I mean if you’re going to use the word to describe your own father then it must mean something right?   I’m stupefied by her actions.  I’m not dumbfounded or bewildered, I’m stupefied.  And how did I find such an awesome word like stupefied you ask?  By using my handy dandy thesaurus.  Yessir.  Available online at search engines everywhere by typing in the word “thesaurus.”  You’d think Ms. Bynes would have heard of it being so savvy with her Twitter account and all.

Maybe we all need to put ourselves in her Uggs and just chill.  That’s right take a chill pill and maybe smoke some weed.  On the street.  And be dumb enough to get photographed doing it.  No wait, first you have throw away a lucrative acting career, then take a hit from the bong that was not really a bong and then do all the rest of the stupid shit on your way down, down, down to crazy town.  And, while you’re down there, can you check in on Lindsey Lohan?  There’s clearly not enough crazy in the world while she’s in rehab.  Don’t you agree?