No Life Rehearsals

Live, Love, Laugh–Your Life Depends on It

Top Songs of the Summer 2013…I Love Em and Hate Em

Song-Of-The-Summer-2011-300-01What will be the top song of the summer 2013?    Which of those catchy tunes that we listen to all summer long on the radio will make it to the top spot?  I don’t know but, I do know that songs of summer become imbedded in our brain like no other.  Hearing a summer song can instantly take us back to another time and place.  I know songs by Peter Gabriel or U2 (and don’t even get me started on R.E.M) make me feel nostalgic–thinking about summers gone by.  If you want to tap into your own summer memories, check out Billboard magazine list of the top songs of summer from 1985 to 2012 (the songs most popular between Memorial Day and Labor Day).

Here’s my problem with summer songs now that I’m a parent.  Like many things in our society, I have a love/hate relationship with music.  As much as I personally love these summer songs, I now cringe when I hear them.  I silently cross my fingers and hope that my kids aren’t comprehending the words.  Things weren’t always this way.   We could go back to a  time of innocence, a simpler time, a time when musicians sang about the “Lazy, Hazy, Crazy Days of Summer” like Nat King Cole did back in good ole 1963.  Nothing offensive about that.  But, those days are gone.

Fast forward fifty years and summer songs are sexed up like “California Gurls” or more disturbingly misogynist like “Blurred Lines.”   Equally offensive are songs by Ke$ha like “Die Young” and “Take it Off.”  Now, I’m not going to go all Tipper Gore on you (remember that!) and advocate censoring music, I’m just bemoaning the loss of more innocent music that didn’t contain these disturbing messages.

It seems like none of the songs of today are suitable for my young children to listen to.   The Kidz Bop songs and CDs (substituting “kid friendly” lyrics) are a great compromise but my kids still hear the “real” songs on the radio sometimes or at the mall or restaurants where music is pumped in.  My seven year old picks up the differences in the lyrics and will say that the Kidz Bop song, “doesn’t have the right words.”

This summer, the popular songs will still get imprinted on my brain and years from now I will remember this summer when I hear a particular song.  Do I wish I could enjoy these catchy tunes with my kids–absolutely.  Do I wish they didn’t contain references to violence, sex and drugs–you bet.  Summer songs–I love em and I hate em.

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3 Ways Dating is Like Baseball (But Don’t try to Change Your League)

© Oxlock | Stock Free Images

© Oxlock | Stock Free Images

So, you’re out there in the dating world.  Maybe you’re young, single and think you know everything.  Or, maybe your old(ish), recently unattached (read divorced), and think you know everything.  It’s time for a little dating reminder (read “reality check”).

Dating can be a lot like baseball.

1.  Hits  In baseball sometimes its a base hit but sometimes you have a fly ball or get tagged out before you get to base.  A lot like dating.  That first date (a “hit”) can lead to something or it’s dead in the water before you get through the first drink.  And, like baseball, don’t try to revive it by arguing with the umpire or, in the case of dating, having that second drink.  Go back to the dugout and live to fight another day.

2.  No Hitters  In baseball, a no hitter is a good for one team and bad for the other.  In dating, a no hitter is always bad.  That means you’re in a dating dry spell.  You can’t seem to get anything going–everything you try meets with no success.  It’s time to go back to the batting cages and develop a new strategy.

3.  Errors In baseball, an error occurs when a player makes a dumb mistake that screws up the play and may cost the team the game.  Sound familiar?  Common errors in dating include calling a date by the wrong name, drunk texting and regretting it in the morning (this falls under the broad heading of drunken mistakes).  Your error may not have cost you the relationship but you definitely don’t want to keep committing them.

Leagues:   Dating and baseball both have leagues but that’s where the similarities end.  Unlike baseball, in the dating world you can’t be playing in the minor leagues and then suddenly be called up to the majors.  It doesn’t work like that.  As much as you’d like to convince yourself to the contrary, trying to date out of your league just doesn’t work.  The medical profession has a word for it—delusion (a belief held with strong conviction despite superior evidence to the contrary).  There are only two ways that you can change your league in the dating world—money (which includes celebrity status) and plastic surgery.   These are the only two scientifically proven methods to catapult you up the dating food chain.

So, why do some singles only attempt to date out of their league?  I think we’ve all encountered UMPS (Upwardly Mobile Pretentious Singles).  Unlike the umpires in baseball, UMPS falsely believe they have control of the game.  UMPS refuse to look at, let alone even go out with, people that the rest of the population thinks is perfect for them. They are only trying to date outside their league.  They probably, at some point in their lives, dated someone out of their league and now they’re addicted. They can’t help themselves. They wrongly believe that if did it once, they can do it again.

Be open-minded.  Dating should be a thinking “outside the box” experience.  It’s not rocket science—it’s human relationships.  No formulas, no empirical data, no methodology.  It’s about playing the game–all nine innings.  Trying to get hits, dealing with the outs, and working towards that elusive home run.  When it’s your turn up at the plate, just close your eyes and swing.  It’s more about leaps of faith than looking before you leap.

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From Mean Girls to Mean Mommies – Bullying is not “Fetch”

anti_bullying_poster_2012_jpeg_image_for_website_41148_1Bullying and Cyberbullying are words that strike fear in the hearts of parents–bullying most parents are familiar with but cyberbullying may be harder to get a handle on in an age of ever expanding technological innovations.  Bullying, yeah, there’s an app for that.

There have been too many tragedies in the last year or so that we ALL need to sit up and take notice. I know some parents of young children may be thinking “my children are years away from this, I’ll worry about it tomorrow.”  STOP  RIGHT THERE.  This is about prevention not clean up the mess after it’s already happened.

The best prevention efforts inundate our children early and often–think bike helmets, sunscreen, etc.  The time to start working on this is sooner rather than later.  I will readily admit that I’m more worried about my daughter than my son.  Maybe that is shortsighted, but as a fellow “chick”, I know their ways.  Girls can be mean, and I’m talking MEAN and it doesn’t just happen in Middle School.

Most, if not all, Mean Girls grow up to be Mean Women and then, eventually, Mean Mommies.   If my recently viewing of a marathon of Real Housewives episodes is any indication (for the record I was stuck on a plane and am aware that it’s not the greatest “control group”), society revels in women being mean to other women.   The television networks cater to it, spewing out dozens of programming choices highlighting the cattiness in women.

I might just laugh out loud if my husband or any of his friends said a mean word about another Dad.  It simply does not happen.  Yet, women freely judge other women on their appearance, actions (read parenting style)  and choice in partner and friends.  Sounds a lot like Middle School to me.nice 2

So, how do we break the cycle?  I got to thinking about it when I was at a girl’s birthday party recently.  My daughter and her friends are still at that age where everyone is liked and everyone is a friend.  But, the writing is on the wall.  Personality differences will come out, lines will be drawn, and sides will be chosen.  At this party in particular, one of the girls started talking about a girl who wasn’t at the party.  The absent girl was called “weird” and the girl said “I don’t like her.”  Another Mom and I looked at each other mentally telegraphing What do we say?  I wish I could say that I eloquently dealt with the situation but, in reality, I hemmed and hawed about saying only nice things about people and that everyone is different.  After, I kicked myself for the lost opportunity.  If I can’t even sound confident in my message that this kind of talk is unacceptable then how do I expect my daughter to be.

Imagine another scenario, that same girl encourages all the other girls to ride their bikes without a helmet.  There would be no hemming and hawing.  I would politely and firmly put a stop to it and say “that’s the rule, you can’t ride a bike without a helmet.”  More to the point, my daughter, who has heard me repeat this rule over and over, would have probably beat me to it and said “we can’t ride our bikes without a helmet.”  That’s how ingrained it is.

Why can’t we be as clear with “mean” speech?  It needs to be short and sweet like “We don’t say unkind words about each other. That’s the rule.”

Maybe some of you already employ a strong clear message in these situations and I applaud you.  I suspect the rest are like me.  Hemming and hawing, not wanting to criticize someone else’s child or step on anyone’s toes.

I know that schools are making strides in starting an anti-bullying dialogue with our kids.  But, we still need a stronger consistent message.  Something as clear as Don’t Drink and Drive, Say No to Drugs, and No Helmet, No Bike.   The message needs to become so commonplace that it’s ingrained in their psyches.  I have some suggestions (please chime in with more!):



We need to spend as much time reminding our children to be kind to their fellow human beings as we do reminding them to brush their teeth.  It’s just as important.  If we adopt a clear consistent message, we may be able to break the cycle and give our girls a world with more kind words and less backstabbing.

Note:  Wondering what “fetch” is?  Watch this clip from Mean Girls the movie (there’s a lot that’s right with this movie and a lot that’s wrong.  Kind of like life.  Yes, it glorifies the mean girls but it also gives us a chance to open a discussion with our girls afterward).


When I Rule the World, it’s about Style, Baby



[Humorous post alert:  The views and opinions expressed herein are those of my imaginary alter ego and do not necessarily reflect the views of this blogger who strives on a daily basis not to offend more than 20% of the world’s population]

We’re all familiar with dress codes even if it’s one in the elementary school handbook or at the 7-Eleven making you wear a shirt and shoes (as if!).    So, I’m in Vegas last weekend ready to go hang by the pool at the MGM Grand.  As I’m scanning my room card at the pool entrance, I see a sign:

Upscale, Stylish Swimwear Required



I looked down at my swimsuit.   Was it upscale?  Stylish????  It better be.  It cost more than two smallish pieces of Lycra have a right to cost.  I peer around the pillar to see if the Style Police are lurking nearby.  Seeing no one who looks to be checking me out (damn!), I let out a sigh of relief and proceeded through the turnstile.  Don’t even get me started if I got kicked out of a pool for not being stylish enough.  The therapy bills would be huge!evil villian

So this got me thinking….and when I get thinking watch out.  If the Style Police were out there keeping our swimming pools safe from the outdated and frumpy, what other rules could “we” impose (insert maniacal laughter-muwhahaha).

I guess there would be a few little rules that would make any establishment better, tiny requirements really, shouldn’t be a problem:

teeth white

I’m sure you can all see the wisdom in this.  Who doesn’t want to look at glaringly white teeth all the time?  It’s a no brainer.  Plus, you could always get veneers if Zoom doesn’t work.

six packPretty self explanatory right?  It’s about dedication people.  You just need to apply yourself.   Maybe this is just the impetus you need to get to the gym.

twerkingThis one’s for your own good really.  Have you seen what can happen to novice’s who try to twerk?  It makes it on YouTube, that’s right.  Plus, no one wants to watch amateurs try to move their butt like that.  It’s just embarrassing.

If you’re not prepared to wear stilettos then we just don’t want you.  Yheelsou know you look better in heels anyway.  Now it’s a rule so you have to do it.  Leave the yoga pants and ballet flats at home.

tramp stamp2This is soooo nineties ladies.  Time to get with the new millennium.  On the subject of tattoos, no calf tattoos on men, neck tats on women, bird tattoos (that’s a personal one), and the always repulsive sleeve tattoos (sorry Adam Levine you’re OUT).


When Your Child Says He’s not a “Sports Kid”

silhouettes-of-children-playing-outside-chasing-butterfliesIt’s Summer, and like thousands of other Moms out there, all I want to do is open the front door and say to my kids, “go outside and play.”  Mommy has “work to do” or wants to play Candy Crush if I can get away with it.  No really, I’m a big proponent of unstructured outdoor play.  I have fond memories of the carefree summers of my own childhood playing until dark and ignoring my mother’s calls to come in until she got to the three name stage (using my first, middle and last name).  Then, I knew it was time to come in.

So, it pains me to hear my son say he does not want to play outside because he’s not a “sports kid” or that he’s an “inside kid.”  He says he only wants to play Legos or, if I allow it, video games.  When he first said this to me, I was flabbergasted.  Where did he learn it?  I’ve always encouraged (read “insisted”) that the kids play outside on a regular basis.   It’s good for them, good for Mommy and up until recently, he liked doing it.  When he was smaller, he loved to play outside for hours, especially in the snow.  So where is this new “anti-outside” notion coming from?  Television?  The kids at school?  I haven’t a clue.  All I know is that it’s not a passing phase and seems to be here to stay.

What do I do? 

Give in?  Keep pushing?  I don’t have the answer.   Could I get some opinions about what to do from the “experts”?  Probably.  But, at the end of the day, it’s just advice not fact.  We’re dealing with human beings and behaviors which are as individual as your fingerprint or a snowflake.  No two are alike or even predictable.  I could push the issue and my son could acquiesce or he could just as easily push back harder and get more entrenched in his position.  I am, like the rest of the Moms and Dads out there, operating by trial and error.  Do I sometimes get the feeling that I’m part of a parental laboratory experiment and I’m the scientist tinkering with my young Frankensteins?  Yes.

“No foods with red dye, it’ll make him hyper.”  Really?

“Have you tried the Ferber method?”  I’ll try anything at this point!

“Baby Einstein videos are beneficial for early childhood development.”  Not.

“Time outs work the best.”  Not always.

“1-2-3 Magic.”  Parenting magic in one little book.

On and on.  We’re molding and shaping a human being here and they don’t come with a manual? Who thought of that bright idea? Talk about complicated and frustrating.  Even the VCR from the 1980s came with a manual and THAT was complicated.

My point is, for every kid there will be a right answer but it may take a lot of tinkering to find it and you may not even realize until years later that you found the right answer.

So, what am I going to do in the meantime?  Do what I always do–strive for balance and keep finding ways to entice him outside.   Maybe some of those indoor toys have to come outside if that’s what it takes–even if they get chewed up by the lawn mower the following week.    And maybe hours of Legos aren’t so bad as I look at the hundreds of pictures in my Picasa album of his “creations.”  Plus, video games, in moderation, aren’t really going to “fry” his brain.    I have to remind myself that this same brain just informed me that the Romans invented concrete and used it in building the Colosseum which he learned by devouring the books I bring home from the library about volcanos, the solar system, and, of course, the one about ancient Rome.  There is something to be said for being an “inside” kid.





Kick Your Next Backyard Barbecue Up a Notch!


It’s summer and this is the year you’re going to host a backyard BBQ that will have people talking for years to come.  Of course, you need great food and drinks.  But what about the entertainment?  Forget ladder golf or even the now popular corn hole bean bag toss.  That’s for amateurs.  I’m talking kick ass activities that will astound your guests with your level of creativity.  Well, look no further.  I’ve got a boatload of ideas for you and I can’t take credit for coming up with a single one.  You don’t know how much that pains me!  All of the ideas below came out of one backyard barbecue I attended last weekend.  ALL OF THEM.

The main reason for the party was to hold a rain gutter regatta for my son’s Cub Scout den.  If you’ve never heard of a rain gutter regatta, neither had I but I suspected it would be fun because it was for Cub Scouts.   After one year as a Daisy leader for my daughter, I’m realizing that Boy Scouts has their shit together and Girl Scouts …does not.  I think my friend’s daughter (who’s in Girl Scouts) said it best, “I wish we got to do fun stuff like they do in Cub Scouts.”  But, I digress.


Rain Gutter Regatta:  There’s an easy to assemble official Cub Scout boat kit that you put together ahead of time.  Paint the boat, decorate the sails (think themes like Pokemon, Legos, or princess) and you’re good to go.  The race is simple you blow on your boat (with or without a straw to assist) and you can’t use your hands to propel the boat.  My daughter killed it in a few races handily beating some of the older cub scouts.  She’s as full of hot air as her mother (beaming with pride right now).

So, you would think planning and setting up the rain gutter regatta would be a lot to do and that would be a fun single activity for any backyard party, you’d be wrong….infomercial dead wrong.  I didn’t know it yet but this was going to to be a backyard party game extravaganza.  Smartly, the party host asked each family to come up with one party game (and bring any necessary supplies).  Next on the list:

beach ballGigantic Beach Ball relay: two person teams have to take a beach ball down the course using only their bodies not their hands. You can buy these balls at Oriental Trading or Amazon for about $10. Note: these balls provided “hours of fun” between games with kids rolling around on them all over the yard.

Water Balloon toss: Self explanatory and one of the best games ever if you have the patience to blow up all those balloons.

Human Tic Tac Toe:  You draw a tic tac toe board with chalk on the grass or driveway.  You have a X team and a O team.  When the team decides where they want to move, a team member takes that place circling hands above head (for an O) or crossing hands above head (for an X).

Rocket Balloons:  My new favorite thing.  You blow up a bunch of rocket balloons and then everyone lets go of them at once.  Repeat.  Repeat.  Repeat.  rocket balloonsThe kids LOVED it (and the balloon make a funny noise when they fly which made the kids squeal).  Of course, if you own an air compressor like this party host, blowing up the balloons was so easy.

T Shirt Relay Race:  Another great Boy Scout game where you have to work together.  You form two lines.  The shirt is given to the first person in each line.  The first person puts the shirt on and then holds hands with the next person in line.  Keeping their hands together, they have to work the shirt off the first person and onto the second person.  Then the second person grabs hands with the next and so on.  There is definitely a learning curve.

Candy Bar Bingo:  A crowd favorite.  Every kid has to bring a candy bar to “exchange” for a bingo card.  The candy bars become the prizes.  You play bingo until the candy bars are gone.

Outdoor Movie:  We watched Hotel Translyvania to end the evening.  Everyone brought their own lawn chairs.  Bug spray was liberally applied, bags of popcorn handed out, and glow in the dark necklaces to add a party atmosphere.  No detail was left out.  Tip:  You can buy large bags of popcorn from your local movie theater pretty cheaply.  If you are not lucky enough to own an entire outdoor theater complete with inflatable screen and inflatable couches (like the hosts at this party), you can get a digital projector for under $200, hook it up to a DVD player and a white sheet and you’ll still be the hit of the neighborhood for summers to come.

The gauntlet has been thrown down.  Are you ready to kick your next backyard barbecue up a notch?  I know I am.  Maybe some of you already super charge your barbecues with fun activities.  I would love to hear from you!!!!  Please share them in the comments section.

P.S.  Thanks again to the hosts for last weekend’s party (you know who you are)!


Keep Your Kids Safe this Summer and Remember that Drowning Doesn’t Look Like Drowning

© Blakeseriously | Stock Free Images

© Blakeseriously | Stock Free Images

Now that the summer season is upon us and the kids are getting out of school, I think it’s time for another reminder that the actual act of drowning does not look like we expect drowning to look like. Many of you probably assume that a drowning person will scream, splash and wave for help. This is what we see on television, so it must be true.  It’s not.

Of course, I’m not saying that a person in the water screaming and yell doesn’t need help. They are in what the Coast Guard describes as aquatic distress. They realize they are in trouble and still have the mental (and lung) capacity to call for help. They also can usually assist in their own rescue.   One of the physiological reasons that  drowning doesn’t look like drowning is because the the body is concentrating on breathing and all other bodily responses are secondary including shouting, waving arms, reaching out for lifelines or responding to questions.  According to the CDC, for children ages 1-14, drowning is the second leading cause of unintentional death only behind motor vehicle crashes.  And more alarming is the fact that drowning is responsible for more deaths to children ages 1 to 4 than any other cause except birth defects.  Unlike car crashes and birth defects, we may be able to prevent drowning if we just stay aware.

An article in Slate  online magazine tells the story of a couple playing in the water.  Their 9 year old daughter was swimming behind them.  At one point the couple were splashing and the wife screamed and a life guard came barreling out to them. The couple mistakenly thought that the life guard was responding to their screams and splashes.   They kept trying to wave him off and were getting annoyed when he did not comply.  They watched as the life guard swam past them and scooped their daughter up out of the water.  She had been drowning and had never made a sound the entire time until she was safely in the life guards arms and said “Daddy.”   They had their backs turned and nothing their daughter did gave them any indication that she was in distress.  It could happen to any of us.

The Journal of Coast Guard Search and Rescue  outlined the Characteristics of the Instinctive Drowning Response:

1. Except in rare circumstances, drowning people are physiologically unable to call out for help. The respiratory system was designed for breathing. Speech is the secondary, or overlaid, function. Breathing must be fulfilled, before speech occurs.
2. Drowning people’s mouths alternately sink below and reappear above the surface of the water. The mouths of drowning people are not above the surface of the water long enough for them to exhale, inhale, and call out for help. When the drowning people’s mouths are above the surface, they exhale and inhale quickly as their mouths start to sink below the surface of the water.
3. Drowning people cannot wave for help. Nature instinctively forces them to extend their arms laterally and press down on the water’s surface. Pressing down on the surface of the water, permits drowning people to leverage their bodies so they can lift their mouths out of the water to breathe.
4. Throughout the Instinctive Drowning Response, drowning people cannot voluntarily control their arm movements. Physiologically, drowning people who are struggling on the surface of the water cannot stop drowning and perform voluntary movements such as waving for help, moving toward a rescuer, or reaching out for a piece of rescue equipment.
5. From beginning to end of the Instinctive Drowning Response people’s bodies remain upright in the water, with no evidence of a supporting kick. Unless rescued by a trained lifeguard, these drowning people can only struggle on the surface of the water from 20 to 60 seconds before submersion occurs.

So, this summer, remember to keep your eyes and ears open. If your kid in the water is giving you a glassy eyed stare, check in on them.  Second, kids that play in the water make noise. When they grow quiet, pull them out first, ask questions later, you may have only seconds.  Let’s make this a fun and safe summer!


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Could Someone Buy Amanda Bynes a Thesaurus…Please!

amanda before2

Welcome to the new section of my blog called Rants and Raves.  This is where I get to rant (or rave) about anything–no matter how FRIVOLOUS.  Like today’s rant.  At the risk of having her start a Twitter feud with me, I’m going to weigh in on the Amanda Bynes saga a.k.a  meltdown of the century.  What is up with this girl???  She seems to be the last person on earth that does not believe that she needs help.    Which, of course, begs the question of whether you can force someone to get help.  We’ll save that one for another post.

amanda bynes2

She’s brought celebrity train wreck to a whole new level.  She’s picked a fight with just about everyone on Twitter and uses her extremely limited vocabulary while doing it.  In the last few weeks since her arrest, she’s called Lance Bass “an ugly ex boy bander” and Chrissy Teigan and “ugly model compared to me” and the last, but certainly not the least, tacky thing that has come from her mouth (via Twitter) is calling her dad “as ugly as RuPaul.”

It seems that no one escapes the vocab challenged wrath of Amanda.  And, her limited vocab knows no bounds because for some reason Rihanna did not warrant the coveted “u” word in AmandaSpeak and instead simply deemed “not pretty.”  Not sure if being “not pretty” as opposed to “ugly” is more of an insult in AmandaSpeak or not?  I mean if you’re going to use the word to describe your own father then it must mean something right?   I’m stupefied by her actions.  I’m not dumbfounded or bewildered, I’m stupefied.  And how did I find such an awesome word like stupefied you ask?  By using my handy dandy thesaurus.  Yessir.  Available online at search engines everywhere by typing in the word “thesaurus.”  You’d think Ms. Bynes would have heard of it being so savvy with her Twitter account and all.

Maybe we all need to put ourselves in her Uggs and just chill.  That’s right take a chill pill and maybe smoke some weed.  On the street.  And be dumb enough to get photographed doing it.  No wait, first you have throw away a lucrative acting career, then take a hit from the bong that was not really a bong and then do all the rest of the stupid shit on your way down, down, down to crazy town.  And, while you’re down there, can you check in on Lindsey Lohan?  There’s clearly not enough crazy in the world while she’s in rehab.  Don’t you agree?


My Blog…it is a Changing

by Eingko

by Eingko

Welcome to the brand new and improved, As Seen On TV, never needs sharpening, buy now and receive a blog for FREE!   If you’ve been here before, I have a new look and a new name (new domain to add to your Google Reader) but that’s about it.  Same great stuff– it’ll  make you laugh, make you cry, make you hungry, make you thirsty and most importantly, make you come back for more!  I know you want to….so just type your email into the subscribe box and new posts will be delivered fresh and hot to your inbox.

So, why the change you ask?  I believe in the message of the new title “No Life Rehearsals” which I reluctantly confess is not my own invention.    I’m a big song lyric person.  It’s like a poem but to music so easier to remember.   Don’t you think poets should just put their words to music?   I know that if Edgar Allen Poe’s poem The Raven had been set to music, I might have paid attention in high school.  Anyway, I digress.  The idea for No Life Rehearsals comes from an Indigo Girls song: Love’s Recovery

I search for our absolute distinction
Not content to bow and bent
To the whims of culture that swoop like vultures
Eating us away, eating us away
Eating us away to our extinction
Oh how I wish I were a trinity, so if I lost a part of me
I’d still have two of the same to live
But nobody gets a lifetime rehearsal, as specks of dust we’re universal

That part of the song really spoke to me and I’ve never forgotten it.  I think the message is so powerful.  There are no “Do-Overs” so Do-It-Now has always been my motto and will be the motto of this blog.  Treat every day as if it’s Opening Night!   So Live, Love, Laugh as if Your Life Depended on it.


The Next Best Thing to the Best Break Up Letter

angry-woman-rolling_15477-18dgI know we’ve all dreamed it.  Fantasized about it.  You know what I’m talking about…exacting revenge on an ex-boyfriend who wronged you.   So I stood up and cheered when I read the Best Break Up Letter–the “latest” viral sensation.  I loved it.  In it, she tells “Honey” that she discovered his cheating by accident and then exacts her revenge by sending him on a scavenger hunt to get his stuff back:   to where they first met, had their first kiss, and finally to Kelsi’s house (the girl he cheated with).  It may be fabricated, but I hope not.  I’m cheering for the underdog and hoping that cheaters get what’s coming to them.

Hell certainly has no fury like a woman scorned but most of us never act on it.  That’s probably a good thing.  If we all opted for the Carrie Underwood Before He Cheats solution, we’d be in jail:

… I dug my key into the side of his
Pretty little souped up four wheel drive
Carved my name into his leather seat
I took a Louisville slugger to both head lights
Slashed a hole in all four tires
Maybe next time he’ll think before he cheats

The most we do is probably add a line or two to our prayers hoping he ends up in hell or the Jersey shore, either one God, it’s your pick.  We quietly rage and pray for payback that never gets delivered.

So what if you can’t write the best break up letter?  What can you do?  Short of revenge and hiding all his stuff, is there really any way you can get satisfaction (within the bounds of the law)?  I can’t in good conscience advocate anything that may come back to bite you (which includes online “outing”, Facebook bashing or nasty tweets)–remember your online activity is hard to erase!

Call me old fashioned but what’s wrong with telling the new girl what a cheating lowlife he really is?  I can hear the online hue and cry as I write this.  “She’s never going to listen.”  “She won’t give a shit.”  I agree.  She (and LeAnn Rimes) probably both live in that delusional place that believes he would never cheat on her.  You have to accept that but what you  have done is plant a seed.  A seed that coupled with a few prayers may just germinate into full scale paranoia wreaking havoc on and ultimately sabotaging this new relationship.  Satisfaction indeed.  Maybe next time he’ll think before he cheats.

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